HUB TELEGRAM — The snobby condemnation of online dating does not exist for most millennials. Social media is how we interact and meeting people on Twitter is the same as meeting your next great sexual experience through Tinder. Who cares. We live in our phones. Yes, it’s gross to the Baby Boomers, but they suck anyhow.
Although you may be a master of social media (or whatever), you are probably making some rookie mistakes that are making us cringe and barf.
The Rules Of Emojis
In a sexual context, emojis are stupid and annoying. They are nothing but a juvenile way to avoid having to use your words like a human being! I’m a Millennial. I was born in 1985. I’m not off the social media grid, but emojis are unacceptable for adults when you are trying to have sex with one another, especially at the beginning. Oh, you send me the little fist hand with an eggplant and a water spurt? Oh, you want me to give you a hand job as though we are huddled under the high school bleachers in some 90’s teen comedy?
Give me a break. You are an adult. You talk like one in person, don’t you? Or do you carry around a white board and draw pictorial stories like some demented form of flirty hieroglyphics? The only time that emojis become acceptable is if you use them creatively, like putting together XXXXXX and asking, “Guess?” (Answer: XXXXX.) That’s creative and funny, but using emojis to showcase an activity you aren’t confident enough to type out means you probably are not going to be very skilled at said activity.
Side note: emojis also become acceptable once you have had that conversation of being in a relationship. Otherwise, gross, ew, no more. Emojis cannot be accepted as a language. Do you understand how brain dead we are getting? Don’t send a wink or a line of birthday cakes and exploding fires and that stupid shy monkey. Grow the f*** up.
(And if you do insist on using emojis because your therapist coddles you too much, then please use the app Plume, which provides sexual, adult emojis.)
Cut ‘N Paste
If you are cutting and pasting the same pick-up line or dating cover letter to every single girl you message, she can tell. It’s kind of like a smoker spotting a non-smoker trying to hold a cigarette naturally. It doesn’t look naturally and it’s painfully obvious. In this case, I encourage you to be a “smoker.”
It’s Not Just Your Face (But It Kind Of Is)
According to a New York Times profile on Tinder, the popularity of the site with heterosexuals trumps eHarmony, Match.com and OKCupid (the ultimate lesbian haven); our swipes are based on snap judgments, meaning we look not just for attraction but common interests. When we swipe “like,” we are not just looking at that person’s biologically-given physical attributes, but also their style of dress, aesthetic interests (does that Motörhead shirt appeal to you or her knee socks with the girlish bows) or the activity the person is showcasing in their photograph.
Basically, if everyone was forced to pose in the exact same way, in the exact same clothes, we may swipe differently: our aesthetic interests are a huge deciding factor. It’s no secret that “men are three times more inclined to swipe “like,” than women, but women judge men on a lot more than just their so-called good looks.
During a study presented in the article, when showed a series of photos of male models, most women swiped “no,” stating that the men looked too full of themselves. Too vain. What does this say about alarmingly or arguably archaic ideas of who can represent a “beauty”?
Basically, there is no national consensus about what “hot” looks like; it’s more cultural or subcultural, varying in social circles. I’m not saying to ignore yourself here and hide those natural and very chiseled cheekbones, I’m just saying that your profile picture is about a lot more than just your face. But you already knew that. That’s why your main Tinder photo is you on a skateboard with your golden retriever hanging out in the background.